maze

living life is an endless navigation through a maze littered with surprise pitstops and interesting destinations - some pleasant and others, not so much.

unnoticed

there is a sadness in our world that we fail to see, the loss of hope. loosing hope is not obvious it is not the barrel of the gun to the head or the grabbing of a bag or the ruthless taking of virginity. although these actions can result in loss of hope. loss of hope comes quietly, slowly at times we do not even realise we are loosing it until it is no longer there. hope leaves with the disappointments, the assaults and robberies, hope leaves with dreams that never become reality, hope leaves when we never seem to get what we need and when support systems crumble or fail us hope is gone.

gone. often departure unnoticed and unannounced, no loud speaker announcement. just gradually, gradually, until it's gone and we are left saddened and heartbroken by nothing in particular. So our sadness goes unnoticed.

i too am here

I have not been a very diligent blogger this year, my last post was June, where I bemoaned that my last post was April. Enuff said!

I am travelling inside to find what it is that is trying to talk to me, what it is that wants to come out, to be spoken, to be seen and heard, to be identified, acknowledged, recognised.
I am here, can you see me I am here. I cannot be in the dark, inconspicuous and invisble any longer. Yes ma'am,  no ma'am, upstairs sir, downstairs sir! I too have a voice that needs to be heard, I too have a song to sing and a poem to recite. My heart also bleeds with love lost and friends passed on. I too have suffered. I too have won and created and nurtured beautiful gardens of pansies, poppies and tulips, my hands have touched many lives and cleaned wounds, stuck band aids on little children, cut the nails of old people, held the hand of brave yet fearful soldiers and my lips they too have kissed a newborn babe's forward, the hand of a maiden and the lips of a hard working man. My feet have moved me across cities, carried me home tired after work and eagerly and surely across mountains. I too am here! Look at me and know that I too am here!

a pause sign

Yesterday my voice was going, I insisted on talking. Today I cannot speak, not one word. I have now discovered a new way to limit my interaction, save airtime and more importantly I realise how much I like to speak. Those of you who know me, will already know this. Indeed I don't always know when to keep quiet. It's interesting though to feel my tongue moving to make a sound and none comes out. I feel the universe is telling me to be more at home, to slow down, to reflect more and just be. Since the last time i blogged was April, i think its definitely saying that to me.... 

Sometimes I get caught up in busy work life activity and then I can be sure that something will redirect me to stop, show me a pause sign so that i can remember that what i need to do is plan an outing with my grandson, laugh more, spend time with aging parents, play and cook in the kitchen, exercise and simply relax.

Born to Run

I just finished reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. What a fabulous read –beautiful, lyrical writing.  The characters are absolutely amazing and rich – Caballo Blanco, Coach Vigil, Manuel Luna, the Tarahumara, Scott Jurek and Emil Zatopek. Exploration of the origins of humans or is it the origins of running …. what’s the difference.  Understanding ancient peoples’ Tarahumara, Kalahari Bushmen and the ancient ways of being and running. Discovering all of us humans are natural born runners. Discovering that great humans are great runners and the great runners are great humans.

An intriguing story that is so amazing and as I read I ask myself, are these people real? I google. Yes, they are all real, so real! I am speechless and spend time learning more about the characters via the internet.  Christopher is just as amazing in this story as the rest of the characters he writes about.

 I understand some things about my own movement now.  I love being barefoot and feel affirmed.  I know the feeling when you run and want to stop and then say to yourself, time to dig deep and keep going and it becomes wonderful.  I am not a runner, but I have been there and now I want to go there all the time.

Read this book if you love running and if you don’t. It will change your perspective on running guaranteed.

Aluta Continua - It does not matter how much resources you have, if you don't know how to use them, they will never be enough.

It is amazing that i have not yet been fired from my blog. I am trying to be a regular blogger. This requires regular getting up a bit earlier to blog.... Needless to say, that is not happening.

Twice in one week I have received the message about use of resources: It does not matter how much resources you have, if you don't know how to use them, they will never be enough.

Of course it's so easy to start pointing a finger at another squandering something over there. I am trying to stop and ask myself, what resources do I have and how am I using them?

Resources: time, abilities & skills, knowledge of self, others & world, access to finance, relationships, contacts & connections -  access to people who are good to know, food, shelter, family, intellect, healthy body, an open heart, spirituality

Do I use them? Yes I do. Do I use them smartly? How am I using them?

time - to the max, i share my time with many people, i do have lazy periods though. I should spend more time at home with my homework and my one and only house mate & beautiful daughter. I can spend more time in the gym and running outdoors & more time on self care like resting.

people - not as much as someone else may; i ask for assistance directly and also just cast the net out  into - especially the FB world - and see what fish is caught. Gosh not a christian yet this sounds like i am a fisher of men. mmmm

abilities & skills, knowledge of self, others & world, intellect - always applying this and sharing it with others. one of the sources of my shine! not doing as much coaching and blogging as i want to though!

access to finance, food, shelter - i share, i appreciate, i give without condition at times and on some occasions with conditions.

family [the houstons including the adopted daughters :) ; houston-dramat alliance; the allies; my omhle family] - my family is a resource / a source of knowledge, support, cheerleading, challenge, a safe space, toilers alongside me in the struggle for social & economic justice; can give more love back to these amazing beings who have a capacity for strengthening and evolving!

healthy body - underutilised and undervalued resource; not as well maintained as I would like; appreciated and certainly in use

an open heart, spirituality - i strive and strive. recently have let slip on my regular forgiveness practice practices.... need to bring it back.

Whose to know if the path I have chosen for how I use a certain resource is correct? I guess I am the judge of that based on my values. Love has to be the reason and the outcome. Love for me, others and the world.
Aluta Continua

I see you

I want to believe you
Yet how can I when your story telling was so elaborate and consistent I can only think of it as manipulation
I want to hold you to show you I care
Yet how can I when you hold a grenade in your hand and pretend that everything Is ok

I do not know when or how or why you acquired that grenade, only that it's in your hand and you will not put it down
I was misled too many times, believing it was gone,
Now faith has left me
I trust no more

I cannot place my home and child in your hands for fear that your hunger
For self destruction may cease to discriminate against us and one day take us with you.
I want you to know, truly know that we do love you, yet this I know is a matter beyond a simple love
It is a matter that requires me to understand that I love you and me and her. And loving you and staending next to you now holding that bomb, standing next to you, I may just blow myself up and what then?

Can I try and save you, risk my destruction and leave my other children motherless.. this is the choice I have to love, and risk being destroyed, to love and walk away
To love and maybe save your life

But my faith in you is gone with
The fantasy stories of how you have stopped taking drugs and go for drug counseling and tests.... stories all stories
I see you with a grenade in your hand